November 18, 2010

It's funny what ideas and thoughts come to the surface when you speak them out. I had my one on one time with Lisa last night and we just talked about this week and how we were feeling about things and what I thought I might do after DTS. Then we started talking about what God had been revealing to me and how the last couple days I have felt a bit burnt from all the information and how tired I was from the mini outreach. Then I started to think about my life and things that I was still holding from God and I realized that I knew God's presence in my mind but that it was only a thought. I realized that I had experienced the presence of God but that it hadn't become a constant in my life. The revelation that God is ALWAYS with me hasn't yet sunk into my heart and therefore I cannot understand the Father heart of God.
I think I struggle with understanding that God is my Father because I compare him to the examples of Father's that I have seen and known. I LOVE my daddy with all my heart. And I know that he loves me more than I could ever imagine. In knowing this I also know that it's not always easy for that love to be shown through actions. From my side and from his. I also think back sometimes on how my biological father left before I was old enough to remember him and even though I never thought it affected me, it has been a bother since I have started to dig into God's heart and his Father authority in my life.
I am so thankful that I have the blessing of calling Darren Trimble my dad. He has raised me up in the Lord and loved me better than I could have ever asked for. Despite the fact that I didn't come from him, I am apart of him and I am HIS daughter. I was adopted by my daddy in the same way I have been adopted by my Father in Heaven and I want so badly to know this in my heart. I am praying for revelation from God that will change my understanding of his love and how deep it runs through my life. I want to know in my heart that he is my ultimate Father and that even if I had been left fatherless by my biological dad, that He would have been there to hold me and love me. It's not enough for me to know it in my head, I want it to sink to my heart and make its home there. I am God's daughter and He is my Father. I need this revelation to I can better understand the depth of His love and His purpose for my life.
It also came up to me that I have been afraid of coming to London and seeking God and finding Him but then going home (if He so called me) and losing that fire. I was afraid of being abandoned by God even though I know in my head that He will never abandon me. Again, it needs to penetrate my HEART. We had a teaching today on obedience and how if we live according to God then obedience will become natural. And how by living in obedience we won't have to worry about what's right and wrong and knowing how to combat it. At the end Rosemary(the lady teaching) had words for all of us. Without any conversation with her except giving her my name, she closed her eyes and started speaking to me about how I need to practice the presence of God and desire it so that it will happen. I was already blown away at this point since it was EXACTLY what I told Lisa I wanted; She went on to say that I needed to stop doubting myself and God and that I just need to believe that He is with me and believe in His love and that it would be. I have also struggled with thinking I was just another person and knowing my self worth and she spoke to this too. She told me about a pink diamond that had just been sold for about 30 million pounds (45 million dollars) because of how rare it was. Then she told me that my value to God far surpasses the value of that little diamond because I am not only rare, I am unique and there is only one of me in the entire universe. I couldn't help but smile.
I want to know God's presence in my heart. I want to know Him as my Father and to accept the fact that to Him I am more than enough and that no matter what I do or what I have done, He will always accept me for who I am and He will always love me. Please pray with me for this revelation. God Bless.